Tuesday, April 9, 2013

The Swift and Uncomfortable Kick in the {flabby} Buns

Today a co-worker, trying to make small talk in the break room, asked me “So, is your son excited to be a big brother?”

I didn’t hear him clearly, so I asked him to repeat himself. I was at the water cooler, filling my cup and when he said it again, I just looked over at him and stared. Then I said, “Oh, you didn’t hear? That’s… well… I’m not having a baby… I lost the baby at the end of January when I was 15 weeks along.” His jaw almost slammed to the ground and he turned pale. He apologized and I went on to explain that it’s okay, that we’ve all dealt with it and my son has been okay with it so far.  He apologized again, and I smiled and walked out of the room.

As I’m walking down the hall back to my desk, I’m thinking “WTF. So I look chubby/bloated/etc. enough that someone feels that they can bring up me being pregnant?!” Now, I can only imagine what was running through my co-worker’s head – he had just not only brought up a sensitive matter, but he had just second-handedly insulted me. I’m sure he feels terrible, but that doesn’t lessen the sting.

There have been so many nudges – okay SHOVES – lately telling me to get my buns in gear and lose this weight! This interaction with my co-worker.  Pictures of me three years ago, when I first started this job – younger and 20-25lbs lighter {no wonder he thought I was still pregnant!}. The amazing weight loss of two people on my Facebook feed {one of whom used to tell me what an inspiration I was to her!}. I feel horrible that I’ve wasted so much time and let myself slip back into my old skin.

I’m tired of feeling bad and not having anything to wear. I hate catching unflattering glimpses of my reflection and thinking “holy shit, is that really what I look like?” Summer is practically here, and I don’t have shorts, shirts, or a bathing suit that fits and/or looks good.

I’m committing to lose this weight NOW. I’m going to be super picky about what goes in my mouth, and I’m going to be serious about keeping up with my workouts. I want this weight gone ASAP.

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